Lost Keys. Found Joy.

Woke up, excited to start the day.  It was Halloween.  Exchanged a few texts and pictures with a friend.  Put the boys in their pumpkin shirts and headed out to run a few errands.

They (the boys) descended upon the church office like a category 5 hurricane, Snacks. Drinks. Hugs and Hellos to all. (Despite my groaning, I know the ladies love it!)

This was the highlight, Unfortunately.

I was making the boys their lunch and I look out the corner of my eye and I see Levi messing with a plug (really the plug cover) and I say "oh, don't touch that" and walk over to distract him and realize that he was writing all over the wall.  With a marker.  A black marker. After taking the marker and looking at the damage, I think to myself not too bad, its washable. Boy was I wrong. Apparently washable doesn't really hold up on a wall when its black. There's a faint bluish, circle right above a outlet on a very bare wall in our living room. Sigh.

Took the boys forever to fall asleep and I ended up having to sit in the hall way where they could both see me until they fell asleep. And they were taking turns crying, So that's cool.

I finally get to use the restroom and eat some food before they both woke up WAY too early.  

2:58pm- time to leave to grab Brayden from school. Grab my shoes, my phone and keys...wait where are my keys.  Quick search in all my normal places: counter, couch, door knob, dresser.  

Nothing.

3:05 getting a little panic.  Text Donald 45 times and call him 23 times. Nothing, Doesn't he know I have a crisis. Keep looking. Frantic

3:08 text someone from school. Can't find my keys, Please don't stick my kid on the street.

3:10 Donald calls finally. Please get the boy before they call CPS or something.

3:20 I am now in full blown panic mood.  WHAT HAVE THEY (the boys) DONE WITH MY KEYS?!!?! 

Donald gets home and helps me look.  I search for the next 30 minutes.  I am grouchy. I feel like I am having a panic attack. What does that feel like? Leaves me his key for the van goes back up to the church.

4:00 Something dawns on me and sends me into a REAL panic attack (still not sure what that feels like). If I left them in the door (which I am famous for) what if someone TOOK them.  A FedEx guy made a delivery during nap time (AND HE RANG THE BELL, I was so mad). What if he TOOK my keys?!?! No way. He wouldn't do that, would he?? 

Finally, I convince myself to calm down and go about the day.  My boys were getting a little crazy and I needed to focus on the evening. I had things planned for them- a craft, pumpkin pancakes, trunk or treating and this was stealing my joy.

Stealing MY joy.  

I allowed this little situation to take away the joy of being with my boys. The joy of making memories with them. 

So I stopped, got out the paint and we crafted.  Pulled a chair to counter and had Ben help me make the pancakes.  We put a bowl of candy on the porch for the trick or treaters. We got on our costumes and headed to church.  We made memories and ate candy.  Too much candy. 

Sadly, my keys are still gone.  I'm sure they are somewhere, but I'm not going to allow my lost keys to steal my joy. 

Four words....

Sunday morning. 

Let me set the scene: Ben is playing with a ball (emphasis on A BALL...we have at least 30 more rolling around this house). Brayden comes over and takes said ball. Ben screams. I look up and give Brayden the look that says "give it back, you took it from him. Why would you make him scream?" He throws the ball at Ben and it bounces off his head. Ben cries.  Brayden gets sent to his room. Meanwhile, Levi finds the ball and happily takes it. Ben takes notice and trys to take the ball back.  Levi bites Ben. Ben pushes Levi. Levi hits Ben and runs away. Mama takes the ball and throws it in the kitchen, locks the baby gate and says (somewhat loudly) "no one gets the ball. Find your shoes, it's time for church". [not my best moment].

Then I said it, well, texted it. 4 words....MAMA NEEDS A BREAK. 

Donald is use to getting frantic texts from me on Sunday morning.  He calmly replies. "I can do that." (I love that man.)

We get out the door, coffee in hand, and head to church. It wasn't until they were all strapped in and we were driving down the road that it hit me. 

I wanted a break. I couldn't believe I had said it. I felt horrible. I felt guilty. 

I shouldn't need a break. But I needed one. From the yelling, fighting, hitting. From them.

I have CHOSEN this job, stay-at-home-mom.  I've begged my husband since April 2013 when I had to leave a 6 week old and go back to teaching. I WANT this job, it's been a dream come true. I love spending my days just being a mama. Being their mama. But I wanted nothing more then to be away from them. 

We get into the building and everyone to their classes. No one cried and they didn't have to peel anyone off of me. They happily went. 

I realized something as they skipped away. Satan has planted a nasty seed inside of me. A seed that has begun to grow. A seed that has told me a little lie. I can do this on my own. I am a super mom that doesn't need a break and everyday is just wonderful.

That seed has begun to grow because I have allowed it enter into my heart. I have believed that lie. We are like that; we allow Satan to figure us out and then he uses it against us. But God has so much more for us than that. He wants us to rest in Him, to rest in His TRUTHS. 

Here's the bottom line- I can't do it on my own and every once in a while, I need a break. And that's okay because motherhood is hard. 

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Mommy Guilt

We all know what it feels like, because we've all felt it. Some of us more than others. Different seasons bring on different kinds and intensity.

Mommy Guilt.

When you can't figure our why your kids are being crazy then you look down at your phone and there's 32% left and its not even nap time.

When you peel a crying toddler and baby from yourself just so you can run out the door. And then you sit in your car, crying because you HATE leaving them everyday.

When you buy your kids (and yourself) an apple pie from McDonald's so they will stay quiet for just 2 minutes in the cart.

When you pray and pray that the fever goes away before the morning because you just can't take off anymore time from work.

When you let them watch Netflix so you can just eat your sandwich. Without having to share it.

Which one fits you? Likely one or more (and probably a whole list of others). Me? All of them. 3 of them just today.  This season of Mommy Guilt looks different for me than it did a year ago (even 6 months ago). Working mama guilt or stay at home mama guilt. It's all the same...guilt.

It is real. And I don't like it. Why do we have to feel guilty? It is ugly.

Know what I like about it the least? I've been a good mama this week. Home school, date with the 6 year old, park, swim lessons. My phone had lots of battery life left come nap time everyday this week. We didn't watch much TV and they had an apple or raisins for snacks. But I've forgotten all about that today.

The good news? We don't have to live with that kind of guilt. If  I've learned anything about being a mama is you just do what works for you. My motherhood experience is different than yours, but its still beautiful. Uniquely beautiful.

As mothers (working, stay at home, adoptive, foster, whatever your situation) we called to do one thing: to love our kids with a fierce, deep Christ inspired love that points them to HIM.

Put that ugly guilt away and put on Christ and just love those babies.