I'm NOT failing...

Yesterday was one of "those" days. If you're a mama, you know what I mean. If you're not, well let's just say I won't be winning "Mom of the Year" anytime soon.

Ben was having a bad day and it seemed like it just kept getting worse and worse. Disobedient, meltdown after meltdown and then he refused to nap.  I had reached the end of my rope by 2:00. Without a nap, his evening was just as miserable as the daytime.  I was ready to grab my Nutella and spoon and hide out in my closet watching my favorite show. I went to bed with my emotions extra high (thank you pregnancy) and began to search articles on Pinterest about failing as a mom (yes, it's low I know).

Woke up this morning still feeling down on myself but determined to make today better.

Donald and Brayden headed out to watch a movie and get a few things done at church, so it was just me and little boys.  We did our "normal" morning thing and then headed to the library for story-time. I noticed that Ben was extra happy and more content then he had been in the last few days.  Got home and began to fix lunch and something occurred to me.

Ben THRIVES on routine (not a rigid schedule but the same day to day).  If I think back, his worst days always come after several days of things being different.  He needs to know what to expect.

The last two weeks have been anything but normal, Brayden is home for summer, VBS, and well, we've just been BUSY.  So when Donald and Brayden headed out the door this morning it was like he breathed a sigh of relief- normal.

Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE having Brayden home, he is such a helper to me and we miss him when he's at school and I love that Daddy has been around this week during the day and that we've been getting extra family time.

But a day of "normal" was just what Ben needed and maybe even mama.  Ben is so much like his daddy that I sometimes forget that he can be just like me too (his need for a routine...he gets that from me).  He just needs sometime to adjust to our summer routine and maybe a little more patience from his mama to help him get through the days when things aren't quite as he expected them to be.

Our relationship with Christ is kinda similar.  We have days when everything seems like chaos (and to little Ben, lately has been chaotic) but when we rest in Him, we can endure the chaos-ness of motherhood and figure out ways to adjust to a new normal. And He has more than enough patience to help me through these days. So, I'm no mom of the year, but I'm also not failing.

Oh and both boys are napping and I'm peacefully watching my favorite show and eating a Nutella and peanut butter sandwich (not in the closet, I'm too pregnant for that).

Lost Keys. Found Joy.

Woke up, excited to start the day.  It was Halloween.  Exchanged a few texts and pictures with a friend.  Put the boys in their pumpkin shirts and headed out to run a few errands.

They (the boys) descended upon the church office like a category 5 hurricane, Snacks. Drinks. Hugs and Hellos to all. (Despite my groaning, I know the ladies love it!)

This was the highlight, Unfortunately.

I was making the boys their lunch and I look out the corner of my eye and I see Levi messing with a plug (really the plug cover) and I say "oh, don't touch that" and walk over to distract him and realize that he was writing all over the wall.  With a marker.  A black marker. After taking the marker and looking at the damage, I think to myself not too bad, its washable. Boy was I wrong. Apparently washable doesn't really hold up on a wall when its black. There's a faint bluish, circle right above a outlet on a very bare wall in our living room. Sigh.

Took the boys forever to fall asleep and I ended up having to sit in the hall way where they could both see me until they fell asleep. And they were taking turns crying, So that's cool.

I finally get to use the restroom and eat some food before they both woke up WAY too early.  

2:58pm- time to leave to grab Brayden from school. Grab my shoes, my phone and keys...wait where are my keys.  Quick search in all my normal places: counter, couch, door knob, dresser.  

Nothing.

3:05 getting a little panic.  Text Donald 45 times and call him 23 times. Nothing, Doesn't he know I have a crisis. Keep looking. Frantic

3:08 text someone from school. Can't find my keys, Please don't stick my kid on the street.

3:10 Donald calls finally. Please get the boy before they call CPS or something.

3:20 I am now in full blown panic mood.  WHAT HAVE THEY (the boys) DONE WITH MY KEYS?!!?! 

Donald gets home and helps me look.  I search for the next 30 minutes.  I am grouchy. I feel like I am having a panic attack. What does that feel like? Leaves me his key for the van goes back up to the church.

4:00 Something dawns on me and sends me into a REAL panic attack (still not sure what that feels like). If I left them in the door (which I am famous for) what if someone TOOK them.  A FedEx guy made a delivery during nap time (AND HE RANG THE BELL, I was so mad). What if he TOOK my keys?!?! No way. He wouldn't do that, would he?? 

Finally, I convince myself to calm down and go about the day.  My boys were getting a little crazy and I needed to focus on the evening. I had things planned for them- a craft, pumpkin pancakes, trunk or treating and this was stealing my joy.

Stealing MY joy.  

I allowed this little situation to take away the joy of being with my boys. The joy of making memories with them. 

So I stopped, got out the paint and we crafted.  Pulled a chair to counter and had Ben help me make the pancakes.  We put a bowl of candy on the porch for the trick or treaters. We got on our costumes and headed to church.  We made memories and ate candy.  Too much candy. 

Sadly, my keys are still gone.  I'm sure they are somewhere, but I'm not going to allow my lost keys to steal my joy. 

Four words....

Sunday morning. 

Let me set the scene: Ben is playing with a ball (emphasis on A BALL...we have at least 30 more rolling around this house). Brayden comes over and takes said ball. Ben screams. I look up and give Brayden the look that says "give it back, you took it from him. Why would you make him scream?" He throws the ball at Ben and it bounces off his head. Ben cries.  Brayden gets sent to his room. Meanwhile, Levi finds the ball and happily takes it. Ben takes notice and trys to take the ball back.  Levi bites Ben. Ben pushes Levi. Levi hits Ben and runs away. Mama takes the ball and throws it in the kitchen, locks the baby gate and says (somewhat loudly) "no one gets the ball. Find your shoes, it's time for church". [not my best moment].

Then I said it, well, texted it. 4 words....MAMA NEEDS A BREAK. 

Donald is use to getting frantic texts from me on Sunday morning.  He calmly replies. "I can do that." (I love that man.)

We get out the door, coffee in hand, and head to church. It wasn't until they were all strapped in and we were driving down the road that it hit me. 

I wanted a break. I couldn't believe I had said it. I felt horrible. I felt guilty. 

I shouldn't need a break. But I needed one. From the yelling, fighting, hitting. From them.

I have CHOSEN this job, stay-at-home-mom.  I've begged my husband since April 2013 when I had to leave a 6 week old and go back to teaching. I WANT this job, it's been a dream come true. I love spending my days just being a mama. Being their mama. But I wanted nothing more then to be away from them. 

We get into the building and everyone to their classes. No one cried and they didn't have to peel anyone off of me. They happily went. 

I realized something as they skipped away. Satan has planted a nasty seed inside of me. A seed that has begun to grow. A seed that has told me a little lie. I can do this on my own. I am a super mom that doesn't need a break and everyday is just wonderful.

That seed has begun to grow because I have allowed it enter into my heart. I have believed that lie. We are like that; we allow Satan to figure us out and then he uses it against us. But God has so much more for us than that. He wants us to rest in Him, to rest in His TRUTHS. 

Here's the bottom line- I can't do it on my own and every once in a while, I need a break. And that's okay because motherhood is hard. 

.

Mommy Guilt

We all know what it feels like, because we've all felt it. Some of us more than others. Different seasons bring on different kinds and intensity.

Mommy Guilt.

When you can't figure our why your kids are being crazy then you look down at your phone and there's 32% left and its not even nap time.

When you peel a crying toddler and baby from yourself just so you can run out the door. And then you sit in your car, crying because you HATE leaving them everyday.

When you buy your kids (and yourself) an apple pie from McDonald's so they will stay quiet for just 2 minutes in the cart.

When you pray and pray that the fever goes away before the morning because you just can't take off anymore time from work.

When you let them watch Netflix so you can just eat your sandwich. Without having to share it.

Which one fits you? Likely one or more (and probably a whole list of others). Me? All of them. 3 of them just today.  This season of Mommy Guilt looks different for me than it did a year ago (even 6 months ago). Working mama guilt or stay at home mama guilt. It's all the same...guilt.

It is real. And I don't like it. Why do we have to feel guilty? It is ugly.

Know what I like about it the least? I've been a good mama this week. Home school, date with the 6 year old, park, swim lessons. My phone had lots of battery life left come nap time everyday this week. We didn't watch much TV and they had an apple or raisins for snacks. But I've forgotten all about that today.

The good news? We don't have to live with that kind of guilt. If  I've learned anything about being a mama is you just do what works for you. My motherhood experience is different than yours, but its still beautiful. Uniquely beautiful.

As mothers (working, stay at home, adoptive, foster, whatever your situation) we called to do one thing: to love our kids with a fierce, deep Christ inspired love that points them to HIM.

Put that ugly guilt away and put on Christ and just love those babies.

Bacon and Brown Sugar Chicken

Last night for dinner I made Bacon and Brown Sugar Chicken and it was so good that I just had to share!  I got the recipe from the comments of a blog that I follow, but I changed it a little.  It had said to put it in the oven, but I like chicken cooked better in the crock-pot and let's face it, a crock-pot is just plain easier.

Let me just say it again- this was so good and so easy! The chicken just fell apart and it was so moist!

The things you need:
Chicken (2-3 breasts* cut into 1 inch pieces)
Bacon
Brown Sugar

What you need to do:
Spray your crock-pot with cooking spray

Wrap each chicken piece with a piece of bacon (use 2 if you need too) and place in crock-pot.

Sprinkle with brown sugar (as much or as little as you would like)

Cook on high for 4hrs.

Serve with your favorite side and veggie! (We had scalloped potatoes and cheesy green beans!)

*This really depends on how many people you are feeding- for the 2 of us, I used 4 chicken breasts, but they were small and it made about 8 pieces.

*If you would like to cook it in the oven- Place wrapped chicken in a baking dish and bake for 30 minutes at 350degrees or until the chicken is no longer pink.

Welcome September!

I love the month of September, and not just because it's the month my birthday falls in!

But because, for me, it always feels like a good time to organize and renew for the last few months of the year.  There's just an all together feeling of starting over- maybe its back to school, I'm not sure! (Although back to school here was 2 weeks ago, but September is back to school in my mind, I guess because that's always when I went back to school).  And summer is un-officially over.

So in light of my renewed feelings of organization and starting over, I thought I'd look at my resolutions from the new year and see how I'm doing! And maybe make a few new ones for the rest of the year!

1. Start and keep a blog- I think I've done very well with this one!

2. Spend less time on Facebook- eh! I've done okay with this one- I "try" not to spend so much time on FB, but sometimes my work gets really quiet and boring.  But I generally do not get on Facebook (or the computer for that matter) at all in the evenings or over the weekend.  I spend too much time on it at work during the day.

3. Health-  I kind of added to this one at the beginning of the summer when I decided I was going to start running, unfortunately I haven't hit the 3 mile mark by the end of the summer as I had hoped, but I am okay with that because running 3 miles takes a long time and a lot of energy, but I am well on my way to reaching that goal! I run for about 30 minutes and I can usually run 2.6 miles and then I do a 5 minute cool down, so I usually on the treadmill for about 2.8miles. I think if I can run for 35 minutes I should be able to reach that goal!  In terms of other health- I have done great! Still drinking lots of water and eating plenty of fruits and veggies! I've even lost a few pounds over the summer, so I am pumped about that! And now that Brayden is here, I am even more active than I was before! He keeps us busy- I think I've lost 5 pounds since he's been here!

4.  Personal Quiet Time-

•  I am trucking along in my 180 day reading that that has taken me a lot longer than 180 days, but I am almost done! I am thinking and praying about what I want to tackle next in terms of a reading plan (I like to have a plan- it keeps me focused!) 
• Memory verses- Okay, so I have done SO BAD with this.  I think the last verse I memorized was in March! So very, very bad! Confession- I am really bad at memorizing verses- not that I can't memorize, but its the act of doing that I am so bad at.  I need some hard core diligence.  

A few new ones...

5. Organization- Our house is pretty organized- or it appears that way- don't look in the closets! ha! But I would really LOVE to change that!  All of our closets are FULL of junk (yes, junk) that I would love to go through and get rid of!  So my goal is go through everything and decide what to do with it- trash, Goodwill or yard sale it! We have tons of clothes and stuff that we never touch (mostly because something might eat you if you try to get it from the closet! ha!) A little extra closet space and a little less stuff never harmed anyone! I think Metochai is hosting a yard sale in October, so that will also help with my next goal...

6.  Start saving and planning for our trip home at Christmas-  I can't believe Christmas is right around the corner! Ahh!!! I always intend to start saving earlier, but it never works out.  But saving even $10/week will help and buying things whenever I can will also help.  General goal, I know, but I need to start thinking about this- yesterday! 

So really I am only adding two new goals, mostly because they are both big goals and a few of the other ones still need some work! 

About the boys-

Donald is back to school and he has survived the first couple of weeks! This semester he is taking Hebrew, Preaching, Evangelism, and New Testament.  He's got a full plate for sure- with working, going to school and taking care of B after school and work, and making sure to spend time with me, he's one busy guy! I am so blessed by him and his hard work! 

Brayden is doing awesome!  The adjustment has gone so well for us all! We've gotten him into a good little routine (and we've adjusted to our new routine) so that's huge! I am a BIG fan of routines! He's talking like crazy and sometimes we even know what he says! ha!  His favorite words are: Mine, No, Go, Cow, kitty cat, and dog.  And he can say the sounds moo and meow.  He will repeat everything we ask him to say: he's working on outside, shoes, bath and Amen (he says them or says something that sounds like them!) He's very good at identifying things- if we say shoes, stroller, outside, snack, books, cup, etc. he can go get it or go to it.  Also, when we say "lets take a bath" he runs to bathroom wanting to climb in; when we say "do you want to brush your teeth?" he runs to the bathroom and takes out his paci; when we say its time to eat, he stands by his highchair and if we say "where's your paci" he can find it and sometimes 3 others.  We are also working on "where's your..." he knows "where's your ears", but when we ask him wheres your mouth, eyes, nose, etc. he points to his ears.  (The boy knows where his ears are!) He loves watching Yo Gabba Gabba and will dance and clap his hands when it comes on.  

But, I think that's a long enough post! ha! 

Life with a toddler...

In the almost week that we've had Brayden, there are a few things to be noted:

1.  The boy LOVES to be outside! As soon a you get him out of his crib from nap or bed he points to the door, wanting to go out.
2.  We have to hid his shoes because as soon as he sees them he wants to put them on and go outside.
3.  He loves to stroll in his stroller.  The boy would sit there and be completely content for hours at a time.
4.  We have to hid his stroller because as soon as he sees it he wants to sit in it and go outside.
5.  We will be taking him camping as soon as it cools down- he'll probably be the happiest kid in the world- wearing his shoes, sitting in his stroller and being outside.

6.  He loves to eat- oatmeal, waffles, watermelon, applesauce, yogurt, fruit snacks, goldfish,etc. If you give it to him, he'll eat it!
7.  He loves to feed himself.
8.  He is usually wearing more than he eats.  This morning I found oatmeal in his bellybutton- how did that happen?!?!
9.  If there is something he doesn't like (or doesn't want anymore), he will throw it at you, the wall or the floor- I was standing too close on Saturday and got a good showering of mac&cheese!

10. He usually doesn't like to be held- except for when he's tired or hungry.
11. The only time he wants me to hold him is when I'm fixing dinner- which means he's usually hungry.

12.  He's a great sleeper, even with boring seminary books!

13.  He is such a goof-ball- sometimes he'll just be standing there and start laughing at himself.  Makes you wonder whats going on in his little brain!

14. Our life is not the same- it's full diapers, flying food, YoGabaGaba, sippy cups, diaper bags, carseats, strollers, too many pacies, goldfish squished into the carpet, toys, and saying "no, no Brayden"- but it's good and we're having a ball!